Aka the shit show that happened after the birth of my son.

At the hospital.

Killian had a few sessions where he was successful in latching and pulling (or at least I think pulling) colostrum out of my breast. The day after he was born we saw an in hospital lactation consultant who was super sweet and very helpful (so I thought). She said she didn’t think he had a tongue or lip tie, but recommended that we see another lactation consultant after we were discharged. She set us up with an SNS system and formula to supplement with it.

The entire time we were in the hospital I struggled with feedings. I struggled with the SNS system, with him latching, with trying to pump (which I just gave up on). Sam struggled because he didn’t know what to do and wasn’t sure how he could help.

We were discharged from the hospital not being anymore successful in breastfeeding than I was before we had seen the lactation consultant.

the first week at home.

It was a shit show. He was latching properly, my milk hadn’t come in yet, he was angry and crying all the time because he was hungry, I was crying because I was frustrated. We used the SNS system every feed, filled with 10 ml of formula because that’s what the lactation consultant had told us.

By day 4 I noticed Killian was looking pretty yellow (I have very olive skin tone so I wasn’t 100% convinced it was jaundice but did feel like he may have it). We were seen that evening by his pediatrician who freaked out by his coloring (bless her, I absolutely love her, and she tried so hard not to freak me out, but I could see right through it). She loaded us up with formula to try and get him to poop, they took a blood sample to check his bilirubin levels, and prefaced it that she would call us later that evening with the results but to prepare to take him back to the hospital.

Well fuck ok.

He got formula at the doctors office. At home, we gave him formula. Within a few hours he pooped, and not even 20 minutes after he pooped, his pediatrician called with his results. A result of 17 or more would mean he would have to be admitted to the hospital and receive in patient care for jaundice. His level was 12, he was fine, just a yellow skin tone like his mom 😂

Day 5 my milk finally came in. And it came in with a vengeance. We kept giving him formula because I didn’t know wtf I was doing. I called the hospital this day to inquire about the boutique they have in hospital. It also has IBCLC’s on staff and I was told they would be able to help. When I called, I was told they couldn’t help me, they didn’t provide me with any resources and essentially just hung up.

Day 6 I began to figure out pumping. I pumped every 3 hours. It was nothing but cleaning pump parts, labeling bags, organizing frozen milk, making sure I was emptying my breasts. Then figuring out how to thaw and heat up frozen milk to feed Killian within a timely manner when he was hungry.

the next 3 weeks.

I was exhausted. My mental health was severely declining. Pumping every 3 hours to make sure my supply was stable was difficult. It would take an hour between setting everything up, making sure I had food to eat and something to drink, labeling bags, pouring the milk, organizing the freezer, cleaning the pump parts, and then putting everything away. By the time I was able to do anything else (like sleep) I had an hour and a half before my next pumping session.

I barely slept. And that’s not including the severe PPD and anxiety that showed up 3 weeks postpartum.

One night, at about 4 weeks postpartum, I talked with Sam that I didn’t think I could keep pumping. It was too difficult for my mental health and I was struggling. We had a massive freezer stash (I was an over producer) that we could use and just see how long it would last us. He got formula at night and my pumped milk during the day. That once we run out of my milk, we’ll just switch to formula the whole time. Sam supported me, he just wanted me to be ok.

At 4.5 weeks, I was alone with Killian and the dogs since Sam was at work. It was later in the day and Killian had just woken up from a nap hungry. I don't know why but I said “fuck it, let’s see.” I had my awesome My Breast Friend pillow that I adjusted and then placed Killian to my left breast to see if he would latch. I hadn’t offered my breast in weeks because I had just been pumping. But low and behold he latched, not only that, but he latched perfectly. And he fed, long deep draws of milk.

He was finally feeding directly from my body and I began to cry. I took a picture and sent it to Sam because I was in shock and so fucking happy.

the beginning of our exclusive breastfeeding journey.

He proceeded to exclusively breastfeed for the next 8 months. We then began to introduce pureed solid foods (remember “food before one is just for fun”). At 12 months old a little bit more solid food was introduced, which then led into baby led weaning. I wanted to make it to 12 months and we did and now I was just along for the ride.

By 2 years old, Killian was still going strong. He loved his solid foods but also loved breastfeeding still. I on the other hand was struggling again. I was so touched out, so drained. I know how much he enjoyed it and needed it for comfort so I was willing to keep going.

By 2 years and 4 months, I was done. He was only ever snacking, and I mean like maaaaybe 20 seconds and then done, once or twice a day. I told Sam I wanted to go to Minnesota to see it (we also wanted to move there) and that it was also my vacation to separate and end our breastfeeding journey.

We had a special last session before bed time. I took photos as Killian and I laughed and snuggled. I smelled his hair and just felt content in the decision I made.

The following morning I left when it was still dark, he was still fast asleep so I kissed his head and headed to the airport (don’t worry my mother in law was watching him).

it was crazy.

My breastfeeding journey was crazy. I had ZERO knowledgable support, my doctor and Killian’s pediatrician (same person) admitted after he was over a year old that she didn’t think I would actually succeed in breastfeeding let alone as long as I had been doing it. She didn’t say it in a mean way, breastfeeding isn’t her specialty, but she was also proud of me and my determination.

Had I not been so determined (even though I was on the verge of giving up) I would not have succeeded. Even after telling Sam I wanted to stop pumping, I still kept going, I hadn’t started reducing my pumping sessions yet. I was serious about stopping but a part of me just needed to accept the decision before I made moves towards it.

During my time pumping, I over produced and was able to donate some breastmilk to our local community and families in need of breastmilk. I don’t look at my struggles as something negative because there were positives that did come out of it.

Please know that there are SO many resources local to us ALL OVER San Diego county. Whatever problem or issue you may be having, there is someone who can help within 20 minutes of your location.

*cover photo taken by Ashleigh Mitchell Photography