Thinking about having children present for your birth?

Some people love this idea, and some others absolutely hate this idea.

There’s a lot of factors that go into your decision of having children present for the birth of your new baby. Here are a few major points to consider:

Can they handle seeing you in pain, vocalizing, cussing, letting go, etc?

Some children cannot handle seeing their parent in any kind of pain.

When I was 16 or 17, my mom took my brother (who was 5 or 6) and I to Catalina Island for a little vacation. She decided we were going to get our noses pierced and being 16/17 and wanting it done, I was like “fuck yeah!” I remember sitting in the seat and having my nose pierced and my eye watering really badly, but that was about it. Less than 3 minutes and it was done.

However when my mom got hers done, she squealed and yelled in the chair. It was so painful for her she began crying and almost didn’t finish getting hers pierced.

My brother immediately dropped to his knees on the floor and began hysterically crying and was upset the rest of the day.

Sometimes when we think our children are going to be ok, things are overwhelming for them and they break down. Has your little one seen you in any kind of serious distress? How did they react?

How are they around people?

Some kids do great around people. Others, don’t like a lot of the commotion that happens sometimes at births. Especially if birth happens at night, they fall asleep to their family, and are woken up randomly to the sounds of their parent laboring, 3-4 people they may or may not know (think back ups being sent), all while being held or shown a new baby sibling.

Is your child go with the flow or a social butterfly?

How are they around blood/bodily fluids?

Some kids CANNOT handle blood and some are totally cool with it. Blood happens. Poop happens. Vomit happens.

This is especially for any older children, as some can be squeamish when it comes to this. The younger the child, typically the easier they are when it comes to bodily fluids.

How do they react to watching birth videos?

Like real, raw, birth videos that show everything. The sounds, the movements, a baby crowning/being born.

Many times younger kids aren’t phased at all by birth videos (my son falls asleep to them as I edit them 😂), however older children may need some more time to adjust to watching birth.

normalize birth

Desensitizing and normalizing everything that comes with birth is KEY to having them attend. And even when you think you’ve done everything to have them attend, sometimes they change their mind or react negatively to everything going on.

And that’s ok.

Take their lead. Have an “out” for them either with a family member or friend that they can spend your labor/birth with. As much as I know wanting your child/other children to be present for the birth of your new baby, you have to do what’s right for them. We want to avoid traumatizing them, because even if we think they’re good, their inner voice could be saying something completely different.

Look into a sibling doula

This is something that can be an option. It’s literally a doula for siblings! Whether your other child(ren) are going to remain while you birth or if they need to be taken to a park/watch a movie/etc.

A sibling doula will come typically 2-3 times before their on call time to learn schedules and get to know your other child(ren). Introduce books about birth and having a new sibling. They will come to your birth when you call them to watch any siblings the new baby has, supports them, possibly removes them from the room/home if things are getting too intense for them, and then once baby is born will bring them back home/into the room to meet them!

can YOU handle them at the birth?

Meaning, are you going to be so wrapped up in how they’re doing that you can focus on giving birth?

Being so distracted can actually impede the progression of labor. I’ve seen labor stop when an older child enters the room.

HOWEVER, I have also seen other children in the birth space completely supportive of their birthing parent and fully turn into a mini doula. Holding faces, giving kisses, and being so attentive to their parent that it is literally the cutest thing ever.