Yes, I'm a Bereavement Birth Worker
I will be talking about pregnancy and infant death. If this is not something your energy can handle, please stop reading.
However I truly believe in discussing the importance of this topic and feel that by speaking of it often, more families will have the courage to share their stories and their children in accepting and loving spaces.
I am not only a birth doula and birth photographer/videographer, I’m also a bereavement doula and bereavement photographer/videographer. I am there for families who lose a pregnancy at ANY gestation. I have supported families who have lost a baby in the first trimester all the way to a newborn/one month old and my love for those babies is just as strong as any other birth I’ve attended.
Normalizing death is not traumatizing. I REPEAT NORMALIZING DEATH IS NOT TRAUMATIZING.
What does that mean?
It means, when we talk about death, openly grieve, and allow people to support us, we reduce trauma. The looks I get half the time when people find out I’m a bereavement birth worker is to be honest, fucking appalling. I get horrified looks, disgusted looks, and looks that openly show their disdain for the work that I do.
The other times when I tell people I’m a bereavement birth worker gives me hope that things will change. They are usually ones who have lost a pregnancy/child. They understand the need for the work and the photos/videos I take/create. They understand how utterly important it is to keep doing this work to hopefully change the narrative about openly discussing death.
It means that the video that I created during my father’s passing and immediately after was so deeply healing for myself. Yes, it was a difficult, but looking back on the video now, it was also a beautiful time filled with unconditional love and support. And that’s always my goal in what I deliver to families.
there’s almost nothing more difficult than losing a child
No matter their age or gestation. It is still having a part of your heart ripped away from you. The future that was planned with them, abruptly ending, leaving a void.
Where bereavement birth workers come in, is anytime after someone finds out that their child has/or will pass during or shortly after birth. As a bereavement doula, if there’s time to establish a relationship and have a few meetings to prep for the birth and create a birth plan we will do that. It’s still a birth. Our goal is to make it as positive of an experience as possible. They are STILL meeting their baby.
I think so many people forget that. That’s it’s still a birth and that a family is still going to meet their baby for the first time. So many times I have corrected medical professionals in how to refer to the baby. It’s not the fucking “contents of the uterus.” Holy fuck shit batman does that grind my gears.
And it’s with this work that education can happen along with normalization. Everyone will die at some point, it’s just a fact of life. HOWEVER, when we can appreciate it for what it is, and respect that, beautiful things can happen (typically for the family left behind).
bereavement work is not for the faint of heart.
It’s not. There’s no easy way about it. Whenever someone tells me they want to be a birth worker, I always ask them “are you prepared for death?” And they typically look at me funny because that’s not what they’re thinking about. They’re thinking about squishy, happy babies and healthy birthing people, but that’s not always the case.
Death happens. I mean fuck, the US’s mortality rate for birthing people is RISING. It’s fucking rising in a first world country that’s supposedly so fantastic. And even with it rising, those in the BIPOC community have an even HIGHER mortality rate (by 3-4 times) dying in childbirth that someone who is white or white presenting. WHAT THE FUCK AMERICA.
And in having these hard discussions, many hopeful birth workers realize that this work isn’t for them. And that’s ok. Setting boundaries is important so that when we show up for a grieving family, we show up ready to hold space and support them through the most difficult time in their life.
This work is so important to me.
I only wish it was important to more people as well.
Change needs to happen surrounding death. Change needs to happen surrounding how we support grieving families. And change needs to happen regarding the mortality rate of birthing people in the United States.