Welcome to the World Baby #2

I wanted to write my own birth story out, since so many of my clients allow me to write theirs and BOY is it intense 😂 This could be triggering to some with some of the language that I use. My initial feelings regarding my second birth were very intense and trauma driven. As I’ve processed it, it’s definitely evolved into pride and joy though. But I just wanted to throw out a potential trigger warning for those who would prefer to protect their space and energy and not read it.

I felt like a car wash inflatable air dancer

Like it’s taken me a full two weeks to be able to be excited about my second birth. That when I think back to it, I’m not filled with anxiety or a deep need to avoid the thought of it like I did the entire first week postpartum.

But Jelina, what do you mean?

Sometimes precipitous births can be traumatizing. They can be so intense the brain struggles to keep up with what is happening to the body. There’s no hormone build up. No labor land. I heard everything people were saying. I remember everything I was thinking during the entire birth. I remember feeling helpless and yet I knew exactly what was happening during the moment because I had seen so many of my own clients go through it. I KNEW why I was feeling the way I was.

But I still felt like a rag doll just being thrown about.

It’s weird being completely cognizant during such an intense time, talking to yourself in your head and trying to doula yourself through it but being unable to actually enunciate what you need to the people around you. Unable to tell them if you need help or how you’re feeling or what you want/need.

Like being a spectator trapped in a body that feels like it’s being tortured. I know it’s intense language, but that’s the only thing I can think of that matches the feelings I felt.

I always tell my clients there’s a difference between pain and suffering. Pain is ok, but suffering is not. Towards the end, good ol’ transition, I felt like I was suffering. I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t relax my body, I couldn’t control anything. It was the most intense and honestly unnerving feeling I’ve ever felt.

86 minutes

4:01 pm: I was writing a powerpoint lecture on my bed when I felt and heard two pops. My water breaks like in the movies. Like it was legit a dam breaking. Of course my first thought was “fuck, my bed 😩”
4:01 pm: I raced to the bathroom and called Brande my midwife. My contractions weren’t very noticeable (I had been having them for DAAAAYS) and she said she would be on her way. I tried to get Killian to let the dogs out to go to the bathroom, but he wasn’t able to and I had a gut feeling I needed to stay upstairs in my bathroom no matter what.
4:02 pm: I had to call Sam because he was at work. And low key not freak out that he actually makes it home in time.
4:03 pm: I called Brittney my doulatog.
4:05 pm: I then called Shelby my other doula who ended up being Killian’s sibling doula because my bathroom couldn’t fit everyone in it.
4:11 pm: I ended up texting Brande and Brittney a photo of my waters because there was meconium in it (very watery looking). But I definitely wasn’t expecting to see meconium in them. Also, there was SO much water that I was still continuously losing it was insane.
4:14 pm: Brande texted me that she was getting in her car
4:17/4:19/4:21 pm: I noticed my contractions were 2 min apart and getting much much stronger. I was beginning to really vocalize through them. Had a death grip on the edge of my bathroom sink the whole time I was standing next to it. Trying to breathe through the contractions, trying to get Killian to corral the dogs somehow, and explain what was happening to him. And making sure Sam was completing the tasks I had asked him to do.

Most (not all) of these times are guesstimates because I lost track of time.

4:30 pm: Brande arrives and I physically can’t talk through them. She was trying to find my birth kit and I couldn’t physically tell her where it was because my body wouldn’t let me. It just needed to vocalize.
4:40 pm: Brittney arrives and I’m nonfunctional/losing control during the contractions. I can barely stand and pretty quickly drop to my hands and knees. I don’t know where Sam, Brande, or Killian are but I know Brittney is right next to me trying to talk me through everything. At some point I drop to hands and knees and hold on to the edge of the tub and the bathroom cabinet handle because standing was just too much.
4:50 pm: Brittney persuaded me to get into the shower so I was able to lean over my birth ball and have the hot water hit my back which helped immensely. Too bad my 87 year old house couldn’t keep the hot water going longer than like 10 min 😂
4:55 pm: I knew this baby was mid pelvis. I just had a feeling, so I wanted to lay down and get my leg up on the edge of the tub like an exaggerated side lying, but you know, as exaggerated as I could get for having a big ol’ belly in a bathtub 😂
5:00 pm: I started mildly pushing/grunting/bearing down in this position and remember saying “it’s too early to be pushing, why is my body doing this?”
5:05 pm: I felt the need to open my outlet (knees together ankles apart) so that’s what I did. I immediately felt the baby begin to shift and move through my pelvis in this position and knew they were making their way down.
5:09 pm: Brande and Brittney suggested a position change so I sat up and leaned back on my arm a little bit to try and eventually get up, but this position change immediately began my body wanting to push.
5:10 pm: Pushing phase. I couldn’t stop my body from pushing even if I wanted to.
5:18 pm: I tried to get on my knees to stand up but once upright felt baby drop and FER reeeaaalllyyyy hit. I was so overcome with my body pushing on it’s own that I could barely catch my breath. I said “I think I’m gonna pass out” which I then did and fell into Sam. Once I came to, my body went right back to pushing.

• I remember beginning to feel the ring of fire and saying “baby’s coming” to which Brande said '“reach down and feel your baby.” When I checked myself internally, there was no baby. I was confused because I knew I felt my tissues stretching, but this baby didn't externally feel close to the exit at all.

• I knew this baby was coming though, I could feel them internally so I just focused on my breath during the ring of fire and just let all my tissues stretch. No pushing, just breathing this baby down.

• I’m not sure what time baby crowned but I reached down and felt their head and made sure to really pause here. I was so focused on not tearing and allowing my tissues to stretch as much as possible.

• I remember giving a little push when I felt their head was almost born and felt a little give in my tissues (meaning the head was born), so I knew the remaining portion was going to be their body. Second push and their body was out into my midwives hands

5:27 pm: Baby was born in my empty bathtub with their cord wrapped 5 times around their neck and with their arm and hand around their neck also. They just wanted to wear all the jewelry on their way out of my body. I remember watching my midwife unwrap the cord and counting as she was unwrapping it and just being shocked. I had only heard of a 5x nuchal cord once before from a colleague.

and then it all disappeared

All the intensity. All the feelings of being out of control. All the thoughts of “I can’t do it,” “I don’t want to do this,” and “make it stop” vanished.

I held this new life, this VERY slippery, new life cradled to my chest waiting for them to come around (they were a bit stunned). I mean not only were they stunned a bit, but I was too. It took a few minutes for things to settle and sink in. I birthed my baby.

My doula asked me what baby’s gender was since we were team green, and to my utter shock, we had a girl. I was like 98% sure we were having another boy. And when everything finally sunk in, I just started crying. It was such a release of all the anxieties I had as well as excitement from everything.

But I did it. I had my homebirth. I gave birth to my baby in my bathtub (albeit it was empty 😂) with Sam’s support and my entire birth team actually made it to the birth.